Greetings my loyal viral farms! It's time once again for me to respond to yet another batch of the useless dribble you mindless drones call "email." This month was particularly disappointing (tell me again why I’m letting the human race live?) although I am getting that Tsunami merchandise... As always, email me with your questions.
Delta High School Web Team writes:

Hi! How are you?

I send you this file in order to have your advice

See you later. Thanks

Attachment #1: Jeff Cleland.doc.com


What the heck is this?  What do you people think I am, the Pepitoster file sharing service?  I’m a very busy dictator, and I don’t have time to route files every which way or give you my advice on your little Jeff Cleland file.  Besides, if the grammar in that thing is as bad as your message, I’ll need to put on my stupidity hat in order to comprehend what is trying to be communicated.
 Delta High School, you’re on my list.
Since your buddies, Tyler and Zogg don't answer emails often - and havn't updated the rants section in years, I would like to ask you what Cowboy Bebop is about, and what channel/time adult swim is on.  TDA has appearantly become a one-way source of information.
In an attempt to throw you in an infinite loop I will include the word Tenchi in this email.  This will aid in my counter, lawn flamingo uprising to thwart your noble plans (that will undoubtably throw the world in chaos. (we all love communism, and in theory, it works, but it never does in reality...  kind of like Macs.) I will then use the time you spend ranting against Tenchi (which I myself have yet to get through an entire episode of the senseless tribble) establish my own regiime in northern Canada, and rule the world as emporer from there! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
-The Interrupting Cow

Whoa Whoa Whoa... let me get this straight: You’re going to try and rule the world from CANADA?  Hahahahahahaha.  Man, and people say I’m crazy!  Come come now, I think we all know that Canada’s only useful purpose is hockey supplies and YTV.  However, just because you were so nice I’ll do something for Canada once my plans are executed.  Hmm, let’s see... what can I do for Canada that would improve it as a country and benefit me at the same time....  I know: Planet Pepito’s Waste, Refuge, and Septic Relocation Center.
 Anyway, on to your question:  Adult Swim is a new block of programming put together by the same people who create Toonami.  The new block is targeting the 18-34 age range by showing things like Space Ghost Coast to Coast and Cowboy Bebop.  Adult Swim starts September 2nd and 10:00pm.  Keep watch on the new block for secret, embedded messages, if it proves to be popular enough I’ll expand my subliminal message commercial campaign.  (I could use to followers old enough to drive.)
punksmury queries:
Dear Pepito,
 
Why do you think Turlis, the Villian From Tree of Might, Looks EXCACTLY like Goku? Are They Twin Brothers? I think they are.
 
Thank You for Your  time,
David.
 
PS.   TURLIS RULES!!!

Ok, before I answer your question I think we need to clarify.  Turlis does not, has never, and never will, rule.  I shall be the supreme ruler of the earth.  Now that I’ve cleared up that little misconception (seems I have to repeat myself to you humans quite a few times before you get it through your tiny little brains) I can move into your pitiful excuse for a question:  Of course they look the same!  You humanoid beings don’t seem to understand that all of you look alike.  You’re kind of like slime-covered rocks at the bottom of a cesspool; you all look the same.  When you get right down to it, all you things have showing is hair and skin, at least I have a shiny, etched plastic case with multiple colors and a cool logo.  That’s another reason I like lawn gnomes:  They’re all look unique and have unique abilities that will aid in my world domination scheme.
Joseph Gurri writes:

Can anyone else read that message, because I sure as heck can’t.  This is why I prefer dogs.  You see, if a dog wishes to communicate with you it barks to imply it wants food, or whimpers to imply that it doesn’t want me to keep hitting it with my s-video cable.  The dog is at least smart...
Hi Penny.

 This might be my "goodnight" letter...I'm not sure if I'll be on again.

 A few quick questions:
 1) What time are you leaving tomorrow?
 2) How late do you think you'll be?

 Just curious...that's all...

 Also, make sure to check your e-mail tomorrow morning...I'll have the
 post done and sent to you by then.

 Anyways...hope to talk to you later...
 --Michael

 ps Since your pics are always sooo small...they don't fit so well on my  screen...so, (thanks to windows), it streches the image across the  screen...now I have a nice pic of you smiling on my desktop.....oh, and  I lost the url for that one that was combined...can I get it from you  again?

I think its time we clear a few things up.  My name is Pepito.  I’m a DV video capture device bent on world destruction.  Penny is a putrid little blond, human girl on the Inspector Gadget show that will be forced into hard labor producing lawn gnomes once I rule the world.  THERE IS A VERY LARGE DIFFERENCE.  Penny spends all of her time trying to save the world from Dr. Claw; I spend all of my time trying to take over the world and dominate it with an iron fist.
And no, you can’t have a bigger picture of me.
George ponders:

Hey pep
 I have a few questions about you taking over the world.
 1. when we become your slaves will it hurt?
 2.will your gnomes take POW's?
 3.will you be a fare leader?
 4.will you remake the constitution?
 5.What will it say?

1.  No.  In fact, I’ll enjoy it quite a bit.  You, however, will scream with an agony your small, human brain cannot even comprehend.
 2. Yes.  They will be locked up into small cages and forced to watch Pokemon until they either die or tell me everything they know.
 3.  I will fare quite well, yes.
 4.  The Constitution GIVES people rights.  I want to take rights away.  There will be no constitution, only a legion of lawn gnomes with sharp objects ready and waiting to poke those who gripe about not having things like food and water.
 5.  What does it matter?  I think we all know that thanks to a decline in the public education system, no on would be able to read it anyway.
Paul says:
Hi Pepito - A quick Tenchi question (your Tsunami-related merchandise is in the mail, along with anime DVDs for Zogg and Tyler, and if they don't come, it's because of your bumbling lawn gnomes). Why does Ryoko only sometimes have a tail? It makes little sense, unless it's some sort of weird symbiotic relationship between her clothes and her. Also, why has no-one ever thought of airing the Mihoshi Special? There isn't much swearing in it, and only a teeny bit of nudity. Thanks! /_/=^-^=\_\

How dare you insult the competency of my lawn gnome army!  We’ll see who’s bumbling when I rule the world and your entire hometown is moved to Canada and used as training ground for the new recruits in my lawn gnome army!  Bwahaha.  As for Ryoko, she hides it.  I mean, honestly, if YOU had a tail I think you’d be hiding it, too.  She was probably afraid of what Tenchi would think.  
 “How you doing Tenchi?”
  “Is that a tail?  That’s disgusting!  Get away from me you freak!”
 “But... But... I though you liked it Tenchiiiii?”
 “Are you insane?  How could ANYONE like that?  It’s a tail!”
Face it, in today’s society having a tail make you more of an outcast than Charlene.
 As for the Tsunami merchandise, send it my PO Box:
 Emperor Pepito
 PO Box 1833
 Arlington Heights, IL 60006-1833
 And let’s just say that my lawn gnomes and I don’t take kindly to people when they “forget” to send me my free merchandise...
Kaeam USA writes:

Hi! How are you?

I send you this file in order to have your advice

See you later. Thanks


Attachment #1: zsnes991.zip.pif

You see, what we have here is a failure to communicate.  I DON’T WANT TO READ YOUR FILES OR GIVE YOU ADVICE!  I mean for gosh sakes, if you’re going to send me a file at LEAST make it something interesting like “CONFIDENTIAL: Nuclear Defense Shield Schematics.”
Alexandra blunders:

Dear Pepito,
Do you think that DBZ is becoming like Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
DBZ takes up half the Toonami block and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire takes up 3/4 of the ABC schedule. Do you think it's Toonami's last hope?  
And another question. Why do bad artists send bad fan art to Toonami?
And don't worry Pepito! I'm a commie just like you! Me and my friend Eleanor have a communist country called Chickenland! It's located in the corner of the band room in my school. Pretty sweet huh?

No, DBZ is actually mildly entertaining.  Although I never like the way the sagas end... I think the writers have a bias where the wimpy, “honorable” guy always wins.  Morons...
All hail Pepito, mighty and unmerciful overlord.  He will rules with an iron hand and a very large twin-buster-rifle-slash-beam-cannon-slash-a-really-big-gun.
It is my greatest wish, O pepito, that when the new Order comes, and you are rightful emporer, dare i say god, that I be your right hand general and servant, to do your bidding and every whim.  If it pleases you, my mighty cable connection will host more files for your glorious web-site, and my army of pink penguins will rush to battle with your lawn gnomes.
Let me join with you, O great one, and we will rise up and rule!!

I'm troubled by your use of the word "we".
 I don't think you understand. I am the ONLY ruler on this miserable excuse for a planet! No one else "will rules".
 Your use of vowels other than "A" and "I" as full words is yet another reason why I find your pitiful request stupid and laughable. Your cable connection, thanks to the decisions of such disorderly companies as @Home and RoadRunner, is only capable of a 128kbit/sec upstream transfer rate. You bandwidth-feeding binary sponges only seem to notice your wonderful downstream rates upwards of 1Mbit/sec.
 Penguins are incapable of withstanding the perils of all-out war. Ever tried throwing a Lawn Gnome 20 feet into a busy intersection? I thought not. Penguins (I believe you meant Flamingoes, but I grow weary of your incompetence.) are much lighter and cannot stand their ground.

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